Tag Archives: free e-book

187 on the Novel (Hypothet Killing It!)

Hey gristlers!

As I write this my Pendulum Heroes Goodreads Giveaway has exactly 187 entries.  If you don’t know the significance of the number, a quick Google will tell you about it and confirm to you that I’m hypothetically killing it in these trenches.   Not bad considering that my sole advertisement is telling folks it’s there on Twitter, Goodreads and of course here on the gristle.  We’ve got just a little less than a week left before the giveaway ends, so now’s the time to enter if you haven’t already.

Also of pretty cool note, the site All Author has entered the Pendulum Heroes book cover into their Cover of the Month contest for August.  The cover rocks and I think it’s miles ahead of the competition on the site, but I need your help on this.  If you dig the cover too take a moment to go to Pendulum’s All Author page and +1 it.    No need to register for the site or sign up for some kind of mailing list, it’s just a matter of clicking the link and hitting the vote button.

My top competition

Meanwhile, let me update you guys on what I’ve been doing.  I know I said I was going to focus on the novel but I took these last few weeks off to engage in a Codex writing contest.  They keep the tools sharp and they’re too fun to not put some words to.  That said, you guys should expect some flash stories from me later this year.

Did all of you notice the title?  I wanted to make a point and put a mark in the web-sand the difference between hypothetically killing something and literally killing something.  Am I the only one irked when someone says “It was literally killing me” or “I was literally dying” or “my head was literally exploding” and I’m like “ARRRRGHH! I’M NOT A GRAMMARIAN BUT DAMN, DO YOU KNOW WHAT LITERALLY MEANS?!!”  So I’m doing my small part to make “hypothetically” cool again.  I think part of the problem is that it’s too damn long.  And you can’t shorten it to “hypo” because you could mean a dozen words and that’ll just confuse everyone.  I would literally piss off people with hypoglycemic, hypochondria, hypothermia and that’s a huge demographic that never did anything to me.  Notice the usages.  Plus, “hypothet” that sounds cool.  That hypothet works.  Try it for yourselves.  Let’s literally destroy the world’s liberal use of literally.

So less than a week left to enter to win a free epic genre-savvy adventure novel, so don’t put it off.  Click here and enter!

Also, don’t let the cover wither in obscurity when it looks better than a lot of covers gracing the front page.  Only takes a second to click, so  go vote!

HELP IT WIN!

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Get the novel for FREE!

Hey, you guys know my novel?  The one that looks like this:

I’m hosting a giveaway on Goodreads, so enter for a chance to win yourself a free copy.  It’s also free to enter the giveaway so EVERYTHING is priced at our favorite four letter word.

Um… that’s about it.  Giveaways don’t last forever, so go now before you forget and then you’re all mad with yourself and who knows?  You may be a rather unforgiving person and you might stay mad at yourself for awhile because you know in your heart of hearts it doesn’t ever get freer than free.  You don’t want that, I don’t want that, mad people leave bad reviews.  So enter the Pendulum Heroes Goodreads Giveaway and get yourself a copy!

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Rant Grenade: Pizza Tracking

Pizza’s like the perfect writer fuel.  You can get at it straight out of the box, no need to fuss with utensils or even plates, take a few bites and get back to writing.  Plus in most cases it comes to you.  So imagine how happy I was awhile back when science merged with the perfect writer fuel to create this:

The pizza tracker.  Maybe we’ve become jaded with the wonders of the modern era but seriously… it tracks pizza, y’all!  I mean, we’ve come from those big ass battle tank cellphones from the 80’s to having near real time intelligence of the grub you ordered.  You never have to wonder where the hell your pizza is–you know that weird space where you feel like it’s been for-frickin-ever since you placed the call so you’re trying to calculate when that was and it’s messing with your rusty math skills and you kinda feel like you’re tripping but maybe not and either way you’re hungry.  No more of that… it’s like they’re baking a chain of accountability right into the pie.

So what’s the rant about?  Because it’s a beautiful lie.  Because they lulled me in with their promise of pizza tracking and pulled the rug from under me, something I only noticed after about 4 orders where my pizza was kind of sucktacular.  See it for yourself.  Compare the old pizza tracker to the newer one:

 

See the difference?  While they were busy making it smaller and neater they were also removing the accountability from the tracker entirely.  Step 4 went from “Box” which means they took your pizza from the oven and put it into the box to “Quality Check”, which means Fuckall.  Think about it… it’s a conveyor belt oven so all you gotta do is stand at the ass end of the conveyor, look at the pizza as it comes out for a second just to be sure Johnny’s not pranking you again by turning the oven up or some starving fly decided to enter Valhalla by taking a suicidal dive into the lava cheese while screaming “witness me!” to its fly friends,  and box the damn thing up.  What kind of “quality check” are they doing?  Sticking thermometers in it to see if it achieved optimal internal temperature like a turkey? Measuring the distance between toppings to ensure perfect coverage?  No, they’re putting the pizza in the box.  That’s it.  The difference is when you literally honestly say Step 4 is “Box” most folks know that only takes a minute so it should be out the door and on its way to you.  When you say “Quality Check” it becomes this nebulous, undefined affair that could take 10, 15, who knows, 20 minutes.

And it does.  If your local pizza place is anything like mine, you’ll see your pizza dwell in Step 4 long enough to get mail there.  It is eternal.  It is the purgatory in which your pizza goes from this hot gooey wondergrub to this lame, limp heatlamp meh.  Ironically, “Quality Check” is where quality goes to die.  And my pizza like lives in there and I’m looking at the 4 do its subtle throb-glow and it’s supposed to be soothing but it feels like watching the hero of the story, say like James Bond or Flint or some other super spy, get put into a tank that’s slowly filling up with water.  I want to go to my pizza, to help it escape from “Quality Check” but that defeats the whole purpose of the call.  Besides, pizza can maybe hopefully go free from 4 to “Out for Delivery” any second.  Only pizza doesn’t.   Pizza isn’t James Bond or Flint or some other super spy with training and agency.  Pizza doesn’t escape, it becomes limp and soggy.

That’s my rant, y’all.  Another story of how science made things better and then somehow people turned that science into crap.  This is how Charlton Heston went from an astronaut to wearing a loincloth yelling “You Maniacs! You blew it all up!”  And it started with the pizza tracker.

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REMINDER: Hey guys, I still have a few copies of my novel Pendulum Heroes available over at inkitt.com.  For those of you who’ve already read it, they’ve allowed voting now!  So do your boy a favor and go to the site, grab the novel if you haven’t yet or vote on it if you have.  Since a whopping 20% of the decision on who wins the contest comes from votes, I DEFINITELY need yours!   Click here to help!

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War Journal 80: The Limited Release

I WANT YOU – to read my book!

So here we are, years of selling shorts to better and better markets, blogging across continents, 80 war journals documenting life in these trenches, and we’ve finally arrived at a public release of my novel.

I’m gonna keep this extra short and teaser free.  You folks who’ve read me kinda know how I story and the folks that may be new to me, whether because you’ve stumbled upon this post from LinkedIn or Twitter or my Amazon Author Page, well here’s the perfect opportunity for y’all to get to know me.  There’s about 95 copies left for free and then the site takes it down, so grab one before they’re gone.

You can find my debut novel Pendulum Heroes here.

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