Trench Gristle 07: The Testament of Breaking Bread

Turks-and-CaicosI’m checking out of Afghanistan in less than a week, and all I can really think about is the vacation.  Unless some news of epic proportions hits my doorstep, you guys won’t hear much from me until the last days of February.  Wife, son, surf, sun… it’s all going down in the Carribbean!  Since I’m in no shape to write about anything other than how excited I am, I’m going to leave you all with some gristle to chew on.

The Testament of Breaking Bread

by James Beamon

Ain’t nothing bigger than the Almighty.  So right from square, God Almighty and the Almighty Dollar had a problem.

This was epic, cause neither one was a stranger to raining down carnage.  God took ultra-violence to biblical proportions.  And bigger than all other crashes combined—party crashes, plane crashes, heck, errant meteors–when the Dollar crashed grown men the world over peed their pants.

God knew the Dollar, not in the biblical sense, and He knew that if there was anything in the world that needed a good smiting, the Dollar was due.  God rained down His righteous fire.  Not that pansy fire that don’t even burn bushes, no, that doomsday apocalypse type fire that brings weeping and gnashing of teeth.  That fire burned and consumed the Dollar.

The Dollar had many faces, all of them dead folks, and all them little faces had little sneers on them.  Maybe God didn’t know it (He probably did), but this ain’t the first time the Dollar’s been burned.  It was like the Dollar was made to be consumed.  Even though there wasn’t enough of the Dollar to go around, the Dollar just grew more powerful.  The Dollar, or more like lack of the Dollar, struck back by causing shortages throughout the land.

Yes, even the Promised Land.

It was called the Promised Land cause God promised them milk and honey.  But dropping gallons of milk and jars of honey from heaven can be lethal to mortals, and it wasn’t too kind on the honey jars and the milk cartons either, so instead God rained down manna.  The people had want for nothing, except milk and honey, but God promised them some later.  Right now, God was in smite mode.

All of the Dollar’s little faces were looking in the same direction.  That direction led from the Federal Reserve to the Capitol.  The Dollar had key politicians in Its pockets, or maybe it was the other way around, and them politicians said that while manna was indeed delicious, it wasn’t FDA approved.  Backed by the Dollar, the government created an agency that rounded up the manna.  They said they’d release it after a thorough inspection of its alleged enriched, unleavened goodness.

Free manna from heaven was the best thing since sliced bread.  So no one was keen about it when the men in black came for it in their black bread trucks.  Except the sliced bread companies.

God’s super-hearing heard the lamentations of the people.  So He hardened their hearts, the pharaoh let-my-people-go way not the cholesterol way, and they marched on that manna stealing government and overthrew it.  Those hard heart people got rid of the old government and the Dollar they swore by.

But that was just the Dollar they swore by.  The Dollar had a name for regime changes; It called them facelifts.  Sure enough, once the new government got settled in it brought back the Dollar, they just didn’t call It that.  Now the Dollar was less green, maybe because now It was a more experienced Dollar, and now the faces had smiles… sly, little smiles.

The Dollar taunted God.  What’s next, flood?  A flood was like laundry, and the Dollar was always keen for a good laundering.

God considered flooding the new government with its sly smiling Dollars.  He saw that it wasn’t good.  Besides, God had made a promise about that and He wasn’t the type to go breaking promises.

God could have just blew the world up and the Dollar with it.  But you don’t go breaking your favorite things just to prove a point.  God was fond of judges; He had dedicated a whole book to them.  Dollar was also fond of judges.  So They decided to argue the matter before officials.

God brought in the clergy.  Dollar brought in the accountants.

The face of God looked over His people.  See who they pray to!

The Dollar’s face also circulated among the people.  See what they pray for.

There wasn’t much debate.  The men of God and the men of Dollar unanimously proclaimed God victor.  God could give anything, even the Dollar.  The Dollar couldn’t give God.

The accountants told the dollar, in God we trust.  The clergy welcomed the dollar into the church to reform its arrogance and to put it to good works.

People everywhere made a joyful noise.  Except the atheist, who claimed they never saw it.

I saw it.  I couldn’t help it; it was broadcast on all the major networks and sponsored by Visa… they showed it everywhere I wanted to be.

Meanwhile, news was breaking.  Conflict was stirring elsewhere.

After all, you can only have one root of all evil.  So right from square, the devil and the dollar had a problem…

The story behind the story: Hell if I know!  I can’t honestly remember WHY I wrote it, that’s how much I’ve checked out of the building.  See you guys in February. 



Filed under Trench Gristle

4 responses to “Trench Gristle 07: The Testament of Breaking Bread

  1. Phil mackim

    Well-deserved vacation, James! Let’s hope the dollar stays strong for a few more weeks so you can live like a pirate king down there!

  2. A3

    This was fun, James! Have an awesome vacation.

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