I know, two rants back to back! But the last one wasn’t technically mine, and in a world where Hollywood decides to gamble on my favorite childhood classics, one dude must speak his mind.
First we have Star Wars. Surely, you guys have heard that Lucas sold his legacy to Disney for 4 billion. Don’t get me wrong, that’s a paycheck… one that would tempt common folk like us to sell our own mothers into forced labor camps for. Sorry mom, that’s four bil… I’ll try to buy you back when the rates are low. But seriously Lucas, did you really need the money? Dude, you sold STAR WARS! To Disney!
The thing is, I’m not inherently mad at this. I mean, I have a feeling Lucas raped his own universe much more soundly than Disney could ever do. I don’t think the creative minds who spend their days wishing upon a star would’ve thought of Force rape babies and the one man minstrel show called Jar Jar Binks. Well, maybe they would’ve kept Jar Jar… after all, they were responsible for Song of the South.
But Disney?! What does this mean for Star Wars? Is Leia a Disney princess now, hanging out with Ariel and Cinderella? Will people be able to go to Disneyland and ride in Tie Fighters? Is this a future where tourists take tours of the Death Star with Mickey Mouse ears on their heads?
What’s up with the movies? Sometimes you can get a pretty rocking Disney movie… but you can also get John Carter of Mars. Speculation is all over the place about where they’re going to take it. Fear is strong in this one. I heard they were going to bring the trilogy forward to the year or so after the Republic’s glorious defeat of the Emperor, the start of the New Republic.
How you gonna do that Disney, when all the folks we associate faces to names with–Han, Luke, Leia, everybody–is thirty years older since Return of the Jedi? Will Chewbacca have gray hair or will it all have fallen out, leaving us looking at a seven foot tall prune with a bandolier?
You may laugh thinking not likely, then you come across Conan the Barbarian. Arnold Schwarzenegger has come out and said he’s coming back in the role that put him on the map.
Again, I’m not even mad. Because I want it to be good. Dude, so much of me wants it to be good. But I’m a skeptic.
Mako’s dead. I mean, he’s the awesome voiced asian dude who said “Between the time when the oceans drank Atlantis and the rise of the sons of Aryas, there was an age undreamed of. And unto this, Conan, destined to wear the jeweled crown of Aquilonia upon a troubled brow. It is I, his chronicler, who alone can tell thee of his saga. Let me tell you of the days of high adventure!”
You heard him talking didn’t you? Yeah, you won’t this movie… and he was the only one who could tell me of Conan’s saga. It wasn’t Fast and Furious writer-producer Chris Morgan. Only thing he can tell me is how to Tokyo Drift.
But all the parts of me that want it to be awesome KNOWS only Arnold can play Conan. Shit, he is Conan. I mean, when you watch Conan the Barbarian you’re ready to believe this dude was real and some evil magic sent him forward into the future and now Conan spends his life playing Arnold Schwarzenegger… that’s how much Conan he is. But goddamit, they waited like 20 years too long for this crap. They were too busy in the 90’s, backing such great hits as Van Damme’s “Double Impact” and Wesley Snipes’ “Passenger 57”.
Now we find ourselves here, two thousand fricking twelve… with an Arnold so old I halfway believe he’ll die on set of congestive heart failure. Now they get around to it?