War Journal 46: The Crom Cover Letter

Conan never had to fight for 5 cents a word.

Ok, so back in June or July or so I got a bit bored.  And restless.  I especially got tired of sending out the standard cover letter of “Dear Editor, please find attached story X.  I have been published in A, B and C.  Thank you for your consideration.”

Gah.  Boring.  Couple this with the fact that half the sites you sub to openly admit they either don’t care or don’t check the cover letter until after they read the story.  And by that time they’ve pretty much decided on the fate of your story and are probably just checking the cover letter to make sure they’re not dissing a big name in the field that somehow slipped past their radar.  Whatever.  My restless soul had had enough.  I decided to switch it up.

The following is a real cover letter that I sent to pro paying site Buzzy Mag.

Editor,

I have never prayed to you before.  I have no tongue for it.  No one, not even you, will remember whether we were good writers or bad, why we subbed, or why we got rejected.  No, all that matters is that one story stood against many, that’s what’s important.  I know valor pleases you, Editor, so grant me one request, grant me PUBLICATION!  And if you do not listen, then the hell with you!

I have been published in Daily Science Fiction and Penumbra.  Thank you for your consideration.

James Beamon

I figure anyone who’s steeped in speculative genres like fantasy would know this right off the bat.  If they didn’t get it, it didn’t matter… it was supremely therapeutic telling a publisher to basically kiss my ass if they don’t buy.  I just got their response.  This is it:

Dear Mr. Beamon,

We at Buzzy thank you for your short fiction submission.  After thoughtful consideration, however, we have concluded that unfortunately it didn’t work for us, so we’ll have to say no.  Please understand that this No most likely means “Not Quite the Right Fit,” not “No Good.”

Reading the unpublished work of so many talented writers is a responsibility we take very seriously, and we feel privileged that you
chose to place your writing in our hands.  We hope you will consider submitting to Buzzy again in the future as a possible home for your work.

Sincerely,
The Editorial Staff
Buzzy Multimedia

PS We also appreciated your creative cover letter.

I only have two words for their rejection.

Mission Accomplished.

Didn’t I say “the HELL with you!”

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2 Comments

Filed under War Journals

2 responses to “War Journal 46: The Crom Cover Letter

  1. Now THAT was pretty funny! Sending in a line from Conan. LOL!! I don’t think I would have known if it wasn’t for the picture of Conan, to be honest, since the words were changed to match with writing, but this was very, very funny! LOL! Keep doing more of that!

  2. Big B

    “Conan! What is best in life?”
    “To crush your stories, see them published before you, and to hear the lamentations of fellow authors.”

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