Rant Grenade 04: Foot Gloves

His ankles alone should be enough to ban these things.

Normally, I rant about things in fiction.  Characters, archetypes, stereotypes… there’s plenty to draw from so I tend to leave the real world to its own devices.  But every now and again, the real world will concoct something so crazy that it’s stranger than fiction.  That’s when I step in.

To be more accurate, I stepped into the gym a few months back to get my fitness in, and I see the hardcore gym gorillas walking around with these things on.  At first, I thought it was one dude or two rebelling against social norms.  Maybe it was a military unit (I am in Iraq after all) doing something together to liven up their deployment.  But I started seeing more and more foot gloves, on X, Y, and Z random Joe.

Did this base get hit with some crazy nerve agent?  Are we all tripping balls?

I hate these things for several reasons, not just because they’re stupid looking.  But yeah, they are stupid looking.

So I googled, read an article or two.  I found out that they’re supposed to be the best thing in running shoes, the theory being that man’s unfettered foot makes for the best running form.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a science fiction writer… I love theories.  And this theory ain’t too bad.  I’ve seen worse.  I’ll entertain it.  So what science do you have to sway me on this?

One of these articles show some indigenous feet and compare it to a modern shoe wearer aka Homo-Suburbias.  Homo-Suburbias bad.  Then they bring up Barefoot Hero Abebe Bikila, an Ethiopian who ran a world-record marathon of 2:15:17 while shoeless in the 1960 Olympics.

Research done, I’m lobbing my rant grenade:

The current top ten marathon record holders have taken hot craps all over Abebe’s record.  The oldest record for the top ten goes back to 2003.  The slowest dude on the list is Samuel Wanjiru of Kenya who’s clocking in at 2:05:10.  He’s got a full ten minutes over Barefoot Hero.  Feet haven’t changed in the last 50 years.  Shoes have.

Say the theory and science is right, cause hell, it could be.  Are you telling me that podiatrists, the foot doctors that Forbes quoted as being the 15th highest paid profession in the United States, have been getting feet wrong ever since shoelaces?  That’s a long time to be misdiagnosing my orthopedics, foot massager.  I just found out I don’t need you!  All I gotta do to get right is go native.  And here you are, going to school for damn near a decade, for what?  To sell me lies to go with my comfort insoles?  What the hell am I paying you for… 15th biggest money maker is an expensive ass foot rub.

Finally, dear gym gorilla, you are in the gym.  There are weight machines and workout benches spaced approximately one foot apart from each other.  Where the hell are you running to?



Filed under Rant Grenades

3 responses to “Rant Grenade 04: Foot Gloves

  1. B.Seay.

    While working on FOB Tallil in Iraq during the summer of 2010, a Marine donned the ugly foot gloves for his daily two mile run around the perimeter. The fella ran with proper running shoes in the past without injury; however, the fancy foot glove made history… a broken right foot.

    The Marine’s coworker also owned a pair of foot gloves. In fact, the coworker convince his buddy to buy a pair. Before the Marine’s foot gloves arrived in Theater, the coworker sustained a broken left foot while running on a treadmill wearing the fancy foot gloves.

    So, the moral of the story… Foot Gloves = Fail!

  2. Pingback: Creative Combat Arms: On Winning Contests | fictigristle

  3. Mike S.

    Did you happen to see that the lawsuit, surrounding the manufacturer’s false claims about these, was ruled in favor of the plantiffs several days ago?

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